WTF Commissary

Everytime I go to the commissary, I vow to myself to never return. And then time after time after time I end up BACK in its clutches. I don't even LIVE near it, so I sure as hell don't drive there willingly. I think the commissary is just a giant doom vortex that merely sucks my car in its general direction.

Yesterday was one such day that I found myself wandering aimlessly through those little sliding doors, wondering how the hell I ended up in a re-enactment of the Normandy Invasion.

So based on my shopping experiences I have compiled a list of commissary "tips" that one should obey if they wish to blend it when shopping on base.

1. Bring your kids. Wait no, not just your kids. Bring your neighbors kids. And your other neighbors kids. And before you do that, make sure they are all cranky. If you have a young infant, deprive them of naps for the few hours leading up to your shopping trip, just to ensure they're extra wimpery.

2. Bring your coupons. Or maybe just the entire Sunday paper. Then spend as much time as necessary loitering in the middle of the aisles comparing sales prices and manufacturers coupons. You have the time...and so does everyone else shopping there at that exact moment.

3. If you're shopping with a significant other, make sure to make out as much as possible as you galumph down the aisles like a drunken 2-headed dog. Whisper in each others ears as you pick out your top ramen, and spank each other asses as you oogle the ice cream. He just got back from Iraq, we all get it. And we appreciate that you are including us in your public bedroom display. Really.

4. If you find yourself in the midst of shopping at closing time and hear the DECA announcement to "please proceed to checkout", that is your cue to shout! YELL! SCREAM! Break out running at marathon speed around the store, gathering items as you go, and leaving a trail of toddlers in your wake. Forget obstacles! You're a commissary shopper on a mission, which clearly gives you the ability to move through solid matter (displays, shelving, other shoppers, you name it).

5. While waiting in line at said check out, please disregard the nylon ropes. If you see an opening through two bins of DVD's and a display of cereal, by all means walk through it. It was put there specifically for you. The Commissary knows how much money you spend there each week and outfitted their check out line with a custom-made shortcut just for you, the VIP shopper.

6. Leave your military ID at home. You won't need it. If the cashier IGNORANTLY asks to see it, just demand "DO YOU KNOW WHO I'M MARRIED TO?!" Hey, if they gave you your own personal line, they sure as hell don't need to check your id. They should be able to recognize you just by the wash of your jeans and the baby suckling your left teet.

7. Don't ever...EVER..pay with plastic. If you have a debit card and you have money in your checking account and it would be easy to swipe your card and be done...don't. Instead, rummage in your purse and unearth your barely-used checkbook. Thumb through it for a good 10 minutes looking for the "perfect" check. Then dig in your purse for a pen. Make sure you take as much time as possible during this step so that the other shoppers behind you can learn from you, maybe take some notes and write a thesis.

8. Since you'll be writing a check, make sure to conveniently "forget" your sponsor's social security number and unit. We all know it's written on your ID, but since you're "above" the use of ID's you should also be above having to know anything about your sponsor. When the cashier tells you they can't accept a check without a social security number (for "financial security" reasons) scoff at them. They're ignorant, that's already been established. It's ok, because the rest of the commissary shoppers will have your back and have no problem waiting.

9. If you have a disgruntled teenage child at home, full of angst, who enjoys sulking in their dungeon and writing demonic poetry...encourage them to apply for a job as a commissary bagger. It's a marvelous opportunity for your "terrible teen" to get out of the house and share their anarchic worldview with the unsuspecting general public. This is an especially good tip for those who have children with anger problems, or really for anyone overflowing with hate.

So there you have it. 9 tips (because I couldn't come up with a 10th) to making commissary shopping fun for the whole family!