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TheRogueMilspouse

Sunday, November 21, 2010

The Best Deployment Advice Ever

...DON'T MESS WITH YOUR HAIR!

Do not. Never ever ever. Not even a little bit. In fact, your entire deployment hair care routine should look like this:

1. Wash hair
2. Condition hair
3. Stop messing with hair

That's what they need to teach in the pre-deployment brief. Seriously. What to do when you get the mid-deployment itchings to change your appearance.

But why am I being so incessant about not touching your hair? Because I have fucked....mine...up. Royally.

It started with a dream. A dream of having long, wavy black hair...like a doll. So, I dyed my hair black. That wasn't really much of a step, since my hair was already black, but I had pink bangs that I colored black over. Clip-in extensions weren't doing it for me anymore so I went to the salon and got some permanent extensions.

Fast forward 1 month and those hair extensions were causing me so much grief. I was allergic to the glue, so my head was breaking out in welts, was bleeding at night, and was itchy all the time. So I removed them with the acetone solution from the salon.

Now, I could have just been content with short black hair, but nooooo. I wanted my pink back, but this time I wanted the WHOLE HEAD. So, being the impatient person that I am, I went to Sally's and bought some color zap along with color fix hair stripper, 2 packets of bleach, and some hair deep conditioner.

"This will be brilliant," I thought. "I'll have my pink back, and I'll feel cool and hip again."

(I failed to see the foreshadowing in that)

I applied the color zap to my hair, left it on for the recommended amount of time, rinsed it out and....no change. So I opened the Color Fix, put it on my hair, left it on LONGER than the required time and....came out medium brown. Still following the instructions, I repeated that process 3 more times with the Color Fix, left it on for WAY longer than the recommended time, washed it out and....EEEP!

My hair was ginger...with black stripes.

So I deep conditioned and went to sleep.

I got up this morning and my hair was......iffy. It was a bit parched, and still hideously ginger. I contemplated dying it back to black but NO! This was my brilliant hair idea and I'll be damned if I'm going to let a bit of carrot top get in the way.

Peeved that the color stripper didn't work, I turned to my last resort: the bleach. Now, I've bleached my hair before. I bleached to platinum a few months ago without even so much as an issue. My hair still felt virgin. I even bleached my bangs before applying pink and again...nothing happened. So I'm thinking that this is still going to be brilliant. I will proceed with my plans.

I put the bleach on, and about halfway through I was overcome with panic and immediatly washed it out. But, the damage was already done.

I did a deep-condition hair mask and left that on for 8 hours, rinsed it out, and my hair was feeling pretty soft. I figured I would just dye the pink over it and cross my fingers that it would come out some sort of reddish hue. But, the red dye requires dry hair, so I combed it out and let it air dry.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!

My hair dried and as I combed it, my hair just started to break off. I went from shoulder-length hair to a chin-length bob and it's still breaking!!

The color right now is atrocious. It's like carrot top meets Chris Crocker (leave Britney Alone kid) meets children of the corn. The condition of my hair right now is equally as atrocious, somewhat resembling....I don't know, straw? But not like normal straw. It's like straw that's been caught in a blaze on a windy day.

So, I cancelled everything I had planned on Monday (which was nothing lol) and I'm going to be spending the day in San Diego at the wig boutique rectifying this issue with some nice hair pieces.

Once my hair has been restored to pre-disaster look via the use of wigs, I will post before/after pics and we can all have a nice laugh at my mid-deployment saga (one of many, if you haven't figured that out yet).

3 comments:

Samantha said...

My head feels itchy and hot after reading this post. I am so sorry it ended up the way it did. Here's hoping you find some awesome hair pieces. :)

chambanachik said...

I read the first paragraph and now I can't stop laughing...also, I have done the same-ish thing and ended up with red hair that I HATED.

Justine said...

You're killing me! I'm dying to see what your hair looks like right now!