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TheRogueMilspouse

Sunday, May 2, 2010

The Hardest Part....





Seeing all the couples.

I went to the zoo today with a guy friend. He had errands in San Diego, which was where my car was in the shop. So he took me down there on his way and we decided to swing over to the San Diego Zoo for the last 2 hours they were open. He's a Marine so he got in free and I got in for a spouse discount, so it just seemed like a nice little side trip to avoid going back to reality (me being alone, him having to pack his gear).

We spent a few hours walking around looking at the animals, making fun of British tourists.

But as fun as it was, it was equally as painful, seeing all the couples who had gone to the zoo that day and were hanging on each other, holding hands, laughing and giggling and cuddling on the tram. They were looking at us like "why are you guys not being cute", obviously unaware of the fact that he's not my spouse/partner and thus that kind of behavior is not appropriate.

And it was at those moments that I wanted so badly to run up from behind and grab him by the waist and burry my head in his chest and look up and find out that is WAS my husband and I WAS at the zoo with DH, and is WAS ok to be affectionate. But obviously, that was not the case, and I was punished to an afternoon of bittersweet fun.

And then the nail in the coffin of my loneliness came at the end of the day, when we climbed into our seperate cars and he waved and drove away. I could no longer live in my little fantasy of pretending like it was actually my husband. It felt like so long as he was there, I could trick myself into believing he was DH and I wasn't actually lonely. But then I was left in the zoo parking lot with a newly painted truck and a hole in my heart, watching someone who was NOT my husband drive away. I wanted to run after the car and scream at him to come back because he forgot me....his wife. And have him stop the car and turn around and it would be DH's smiling face and a "just kidding" expression. But I know it's not him.

I felt abandoned. Abandoned by my husband, abandoned by my guy friend, abandoned by everyone. And I climbed into my truck and drove away, catching a glimpse of another happy couple walking arm-in-arm towards their car. They were going home together. I was not.

9 comments:

Mel said...

Ugh. I went bed last night and laid there. Feeling completely lonely. It's not a feeling I have often, because I stay busy. But I did and it sucked.

Consider yourself cyber-hugged. Hang in there!

Kelsey. said...

This made me tear up, but you're not alone. A few weeks ago, I went on a picnic with two friends of mine (who are dating), they aren't the type of couple to be super mushy, and are kind enough to refrain from acting like it around me, because they know how it hurts. But it just so happened, every other god damn couple in Huntington Beach decided to go for a picnic or a stroll in the park. Keep your chin up <3

~Cheryl~ said...

~I HATE that too. It is the worst to watch all the happy couples when you know you are a happy couple too. TV is even hard. UGH Hang in there girl!!

{{{{HUGS}}}}

navywife24 said...

well im glad somebody has the guts to say it..lol!! I HATE SEEING COUPLES TOGETHER IN PUBLIC!! Ever since my hubby left last October i will admit I've been a hater on happy couples!! When i see people holding hands or kissing in public it makes me wanna slap them and scream "No PDA DAMN IT!!" So I definitely feel ya on this girl. All I can say is I'm sorry you're feeling bummed and I hope you cheer up soon! :)

xoxo,

the navy wife

~*~ FSU * Librarian~*~ said...

My hubby is away at BMT right now, and I know many people think "that doesn't count" since he's not directly in harm's way. However, he is still out of my reach for the next five months, and in that small way I am no different from other wives. I totally feel your pain on the happy couple front. This weekend I went to dinner with a guy friend. We sat next to each other in the booth with another friend across from us. Several times I would catch myself laughing and having fun and almost feel guilty, like I was cheating on my husband (and my loneliness) by sitting next to this man and having a good time. Also, watching all the mushy couples made me want to slam their heads together while they were sucking face and then see how much they enjoyed it. That is all.

Gaile said...

ABANDONED is such a good word for this - people act shocked when I say I feel abandoned during deployment, but there it is. First two deployments I even felt downright REJECTED, since hubby CHOSE to deploy both times. I felt like he must be absolutely miserable in our relationship if he would rather dodge insurgent's bullets than be HOME, with ME.

Star Spangled said...

That's rough. I HATE that feeling. :(

Emily said...

Aw I felt my heart breaking reading this. Stay strong

Rika's Crafts said...

(((((hugs)))) I know that feeling all too well. And it just gets harder when you have children and see other kids with their fathers and yours is without.

Thank you for sharing your emotions through this. It's so important for you to express them, and for others to read them - others like me to know I'm not alone in this longing.