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TheRogueMilspouse

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Is this real life?

Yes...so I stole that quote from the "David After Dentist" youtube video. But it rings very true.

I was sitting at the Wendy's on base today eating a frosty and watching the line slowly shrink when I suddenly had an epiphany: is this real life?

Is it?

Like...WTF happened to my life? Here I am sitting in a fast food restaurant on a military base with a husband at war.

A husband at war.

A husband at war.

A husband at war.

That just kept ringing in the back of my mind until I couldn't even recognize my own life.

How did I get in this situation? How did all that time slip by me unnoticed until the moment I realized my husband was at WAR?

It was almost as if I hadn't realized it until that moment. Like he was just on a 12 month vacation somewhere and I was bumbling around at home with tears in my eyes for no reason.

But now everything feels different. My home feels more empty than its ever felt. My life feels more fucked up than its ever felt.

I've joked about how I was "going crazy" but never really felt like it....until now. I really do feel like I'm going crazy, slowly losing my mind. My apartment has completely gone to shit. I feel so unmotivated that sometimes I can't even get out of bed. In fact, if it wasn't for my job I don't think I would even bother waking up.

I wish I could just sleep through the whole next year. Sleep is amazing. You're technically alive, but you're "unconscious" so you don't have to really deal with anything. Amazing.

I've made it halfway through month 4. Meaning if this was a typical Marine deployment, my husband would be coming home in 3 months. That's only 1 boot-camp length. But this isn't a typical deployment. It's a command deployment, meaning it's 12 months.

Meaning I still have 8.5 months left. That's a little less than an entire pregnancy.

Pregnancy..that's another thing that bums me out. My ovaries hate me. My uterus hates me. My husband's sperm hates me.

FML. I need therapy.

8 comments:

♥Miss Brittney♥ said...

I'm sorry hun! You will be in my prayers and I hope you're feeling better soon! Believe me you are not alone in the "going crazy" department, I feel the same way sometimes, and I often look at my life and wonder the same things you are wondering. I'm going on month 8 and still have a few more to go before my hubby comes home, and believe me it can't come fast enough! I too have my days when I can't get out of bed and for some reason I just don't feel like doing anything...sleep is also my favorite part of the day, because thats a few hours of my life where I don't have to deal with all this crap in my life or this deployment. Anyway I'm sorry you're having a rough time but if you ever wanna talk you know where to find me! :) Feel better soon!

xoxo

Erika said...

I hate those days when you get out of your stupor and recognize what's going on. Why can't we just be sealed in a little time capsule with IVs keeping us going until our loved ones are home? Completely unaware of the danger their in. Completely unaware of the time passing oh so slowly. Only to be wakened be our honey's kiss when they return home - like Sleeping Beauty! Totally oblivious to what Prince Phil has to do to come to her rescue.

Steph said...

Hoping things get easier for you. Staying busy always seemed to help me.

Carmen said...

You don't need therapy! It's totally natural to feel this way while your husband is gone. I hated those days when I would wake up and realize my fiancee was gone and fighting a war (I, too, coated myself with the idea that he was just on vacation or on base away from me somewhere and not fighting a war) but I know that you are not enduring a typical deployment but I know that staying busy definitely helps time fly by. I know it's tough right now but you are further now than you were the day he left and you are almost half way there! Keep your strength and confidence up! He will be home soon! If you ever need anything, please feel free to talk to me. =)

Lisa said...

You posted my thoughts. I had a similar moment this weekend where I felt like I was waking up from denial in the form of a very long dream.

I think I'll go back to sleep now, where my husband is also on a long vacation, and I'm actually sane.

You're definitely not alone.

Mrs. GI Joe said...

Your not crazy, we all have days like this. They will pass and your hubby will come home and everything will be good again. Hang in there. :HUGS:

Anonymous said...

I say go back to denial and eat that frosty lol. The truth sucks sometimes but that frosty is pretty damn sweet eh?

Justine said...

I'm sorry that you're going through a rough patch. Hang in there! You're pretty much guaranteed to feel crappy every now and then while you're husband is off to war. If you didn't, then you'd be weird. Hope tomorrow is a better day. Love your blog btw.