Yup. Just had "the talk"with my husband a little while ago. You know, the one you don't really want to have but eventually comes up anyways and you try to change the subject but somehow still get into lassoed into it?
I was talking to my husband today and he was getting kinda angry at me for not being online as much. Which, I admit, is because my job keeps me pretty busy. I guess I have kind of put "communication" on the back burner because I've just been so stressed with other things and my time management skills are so horrible. I just figured the less I heard from over there the less painful it would be to live through the day, so I wasn't getting online as much and wasn't responding to his emails in a very timely manner (although I tried to make it a point to respond sometime that day).
But then he said something really weird. He said "all I do is sit here all day and watch people die."
And that led to "the talk". I tried not to go too deeply into things because I'm certainly in no emotional state right now to handle anything of that caliber, so I tried to keep it phrases like "how does that feel" and "is that good or bad?" or "I see". Then I tried to detour the subject by asking things like "how heavy are those guns cuz they look heavy?" and "how often do you do PT" but I couldn't get around it.
In the end I found out way too much about way too strong of subjects and now I don't even know what to do with that information. How do you respond when your husband tells you hes killed people? Bad people none the less, but still...I'm not possessed with wisdom enough to even know what to FEEL hearing that.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
The Talk
Posted by Laura at 1:05 AM
Labels: On Deployment
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6 comments:
I'm sorry...*hugs* I think you handled it the best you could for right now. Maybe when he gets home ya'll can actually talk about it?
Sounds like you handled it right with him. It's handling it with yourself that's the hardest part, isn't it? :(
My hubby has never actually SAID he has killed anyone, though I know he has, and it changed him forever.
I've been there when someone insensitive asks him about war, and asks stupid questions like "How many people have you killed?" or - even better - "what's it like to kill another human being?".....as if there is ANY possible answer to that!?!?! WTF people, seriously! Hubby will either laugh off the stupid question or get really pissed at their insensitivity, but never actually ANSWERS the questions.
I hope your honey has SOMEONE he can talk to over there about what he is going through, and hope he keeps some dialgue open with you when he gets home...the crap we keep bottled up can really get to us, you know?
And yeah, I think your response was appropriate at the time, and given the medium used for communication at the time, what else COULD you say?
Hang in there!
One thing I learned about deployment (while I was just a girlfriend of only a few months) was that it's best to have them talk (in my opinion, everyone is different). I can tell you I was in tears over things that he told me he was did or was involved in. Sometimes at the most random moments...like watching tv. Now I think it helps me realize much more how much our soldiers put on the line...What they go through & why they act at times the way that they do. I feel ya, it's incredibly hard and hearbreaking...it took me a while to get through the shock of it all. Thinking of you both!
I'm so sorry to hear about this. I had the same problem with Mr. M when he came home. He had a hard time talking about things like this and it bothered him to think about it. Even though it's hard to imagine them doing certain things, that's the reality of it (unfortunately) Hopefully him talking about it helps him.
Honestly - for me I block it out. My hubby is on the bomb squad and has more gruesome stories than I'd like to know about - but it's cathartic for him to talk about them. So he talks - I interject with appropriate "Hmm," and "wow"s, and then try not to ever think about the information I've just received. I try to imagine he's just telling me about a movie that he's seen as opposed to him really truly being in the middle of all of it.....
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