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Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Surving Survival

I got a letter from DH today (an actual paper letter). He was worried about me, not because I was losing it, but because I WASN'T losing it. I was actually surviving without him, and even though that's what he wanted me to do, I guess finding out I was actually doing it made him feel a bit neglected.

I thought about it and realized I'm actually getting by quite fine. There are many many many moments were I want my husband back, and I miss him every single day, but as far as "losing it" goes, I got over that months ago.

The first 2 months I was borderline psychotic, having meltdown after meltdown. And even now, my house is in complete disarray. That's actually the biggest change this deployment has done to me. Without anyone to appreciate my clean house, I've completely given up on even trying to make it presentable.

But I'm not psychotic anymore. I wake up feeling content, go to bed feeling content. I'm a bit more lethargic, certainly, and struggle on a daily basis to do menial tasks (like turn on the dishwasher), but I'm no longer losing it. I've come to terms with what I describe as the "single, but married" lifestyle.

4 comments:

Jill said...

Our hubby's like to be needed. But it's good for them to know that we can do it even though we prefer to do it with them.

I'm not at the content stage yet. I still feel like I could completely lose it at any moment, so I'm very happy to know that you're not at the point.

Neidy said...

We go through WEIRD things. I'm pretty sure I took this test on a trusted medical just to see if I were at risk to being depressed...apparently I was! But most of the feelings have come from deployment. I'm at the content point also :) It'll be interesting how much I'll freak out the closer he gets to coming back!
<3 to you and your husband!

Amanda Cervantes said...

You're a strong girl. That's a hard place to be in for them. They want you to be strong and happy but when they're losing it, I think they want you to lose it too. Maybe thats why sometimes you two get into fights over silly things =) Life changes when they're here and when they're not. Its ideal that you can be yourself the entire time. Keep writing girl, I love your blogs =)

Niki @ Ambitious Gurl said...

Off Topic, but you got an award on my blog,

http://ambitiousgurlisamilitarywife.blogspot.com/2010/08/i-got-award.html